“adam winslow?”
adam looked up. it was his turn.
the bright light in the waiting room was not particularly kind to his eyes. they had a hard time adjusting as he tried to fixate on the woman who just called his name from the open door across the room.
he tried to catch his breath. he felt a little dizzy. perhaps it was because of the lack of sleep. or the three cups of coffee he’d poured in his feckless body the last hour. or, perhaps something completely different. as he rose from his chair, the room started to spin, and it was with great difficulty that he managed to walk in a somewhat straight line towards the door.
inside the room, adam was shown to his ordinary seat and dr jenkins took her usual place with her notebook and pencil ready in her lap.
“well, adam. how are you today?”
he struggled a bit with himself before answering.
“i know you want me to answer that it is better, and that I have things under control. i know your job is to get me back on my feet as soon as possible. but things are not great. things are terrible. way worse than terrible.”
dr jenkins made some notes before she looked back at him.
“i see. what makes you say that?”
“well, they pay you. i am sure that it is not in their interest to send me here just for a nice chat and not get value for their money.”
again she noted something in the journal.
“can you please elaborate?”
adam shook his head, but the dizziness made him regret it instantly.
“ok. Then let me ask you instead. when you say they. do you mean the company you work for?”
adam nodded.
“and you think their main interest is getting you back as labor.”
adam nodded again.
“i understand.” she paused as she formed her thoughts carefully before speaking again.
“has it occurred to you, that perhaps they are concerned and care for you, as a human being, not as labor. that they have sent you here because they worry. because they see you adam, and they see that you are currently struggling. and as you struggle, they give you this opportunity to get help from me?”
“that’s one way of looking at it.”
“you do not think that is the case?”
“i….” adam did not know what to say, so he stopped.
“you what?”
“i don’t know.” he said, resigned.
she put the cap back on her pen and placed it neatly in the pen-holder on the side of the notebook.
“you are in a midlife crisis. it is obvious for me, as your psychiatrist, it is obvious for the people around you at work, and frankly, by the looks of you, it should be obvious to you as well.”
she was not sure he took it in.
“don’t get me wrong, this is a completely natural reaction to the things you’ve experienced. and in such a short period of time. most people are not equipped to handle things like this without help, not even when one great life changing thing happens. and in your case you’ve endured three, one after another. you face great and strong emotions. you face great existential questions and perhaps for the first time since you moved out of your parent’s house, you life has changed drastically and is fundamentally changed. but this time it was not your choice. this time it happened. you were unprepared. and frankly, even if you had tried to prepare yourself for this very unlikely scenario, you would probably still be overwhelmed. and that is a completely natural reaction.”
adam just stared with empty eyes in front of him.
dr jenkins gave him a moment before continuing again.
“but as hard as it is, as painful as it is, as horrible and unjust this situation is, you cannot change it. you need to move on. one small step at the time.”
no reaction from adam.
“where do you see yourself in five years time?”
adam answered with his voice present in the room, but in his eyes he were still at a distance.
“nowhere.”
“nowhere?”
adam nodded his head just a little.
“would you elaborate?”
adam shook his head.
dr jenkins took out her pen and uncapped it and made some notes.
“alright. can you tell me how you feel?”
no reaction from adam.
“do you still feel dizzy, like the last time you were here?”
adam nodded hardly noticeable.
“and the panic attacks, are they still….”
adam fixed his eyes on her with a sudden move and yelled.
“yes! yes! yes! everything is exactly like last time. only worse. and no, I still don’t want to take any pills for it!”
she let him cool off a little.
“it is good that you let your steam out. the feelings inside you can easily build up pressure, and it is important to get that out of your system. i am here, and i want to listen to you. can you tell me what is going on inside you?”
adam was present and struggled internally for a while.
“no, i don’t think so. i don’t think i am ready yet.”
“i see.” dr jenkins wrote some more in her journal.
“then may I suggest that we reschedule this session for another day. perhaps in the beginning of next week? and for next time, i will give you a little assignment. just a small one.”
adam did not seem to register what she said.
“i want you to think about one thing that troubles you the most. one thing that feels the most, or you feel is the most unfair thing that has happened. the thing that is most heavy to carry. the biggest burden?”
dr jenkins sighed. she could not get any further in this session, and without asking adam, she handed him a note with a new time for their next session. adam took it and left.
once back home he staggered with odd movements somewhere half between a stumble and a dance. at first it was not obvious, but his goal was the couch.
the pain in his chest. the panic within. the headache. the spinning. it was all too much. he was not sure that he had made it to the sofa, but it seemed like it, the view was familiar. this was all too much. it felt like he was about to die. or loose it completely. something was up. this was not normal. this was way worse than anything he’d ever experienced before. not a panic attack. or was is? if so, the panic attack from hell. it seemed like the walls was closing in on him from all four sides. on his back, on the couch, as he stared up at the ceiling in an attempt to stop the movement of the walls, he repeated a word in his mind. nowhere.
enjoy!
^..^